7 Unexpected Tips We Learned From Relationship Therapists This Year For Boosting Connection And Intimacy
Among the go-deeper topics these experts helped us tackle this year? How to really build all the different types of intimacy with a partner and level up your emotional connection; how to navigate any number of modern dating trends from “pocketing” to “fexting” to “Ung hosting;” and how to spot and handle the kind of red-flag behaviors and conditions that got tossed around haphazardly on social media like narcissism, love-bombing, and yes, gaslighting.
Woven through nearly all the dating and relationship advice we received this year was a common thread: the importance of understanding and communicating your needs openly and honestly at all stages of a relationship. But when it came to navigating the unique ups and downs of interpersonal conflict and sharing space with a romantic partner, the relationship therapists we tapped had a few more unexpected tips to share with us, too.
Below, we’ve gathered the best, most surprising tips we heard from relationship therapists over the past year. Read on, and head into 2023 armed with creative strategies for gaining or maintaining a happy, healthy partnership.
It’s a natural thing to want to be liked, particularly by your significant other. But allowing the goal of likability to dictate most or all of your actions can lead you to feel both personally unfulfilled (you’re too focused on others' needs to address your own) and resentful of others, leaving unspoken disagreements to stew beneath the surface.
To avoid that fate, relationship therapist Lia Avellino, LCSW, suggests not seeking others’ affirmation so much as their respect, “which comes from living in line with your values and from being a person of integrity,” she previously told Well+Good. By acting in harmony with your personal values—rather than acting simply to please others—you’ll actually lay the foundation for more authentic relationships to follow.
Here’s a real relationship curveball: If you’re someone who tends to avoid conflict at all costs, you might… be the source of conflict, according to therapist Minaa B., LMSW. If you have any passive-aggressive people in your life, you likely already know the reason why: Not being direct about your feelings in an effort to keep the peace just creates room for confusion. The person on the other end won’t be able to know what’s bothering you or how you really feel, which short-circuits any opportunity for real connection.
It’s much more effective to say how you feel (and to welcome the opportunity for disagreement and discussion) than to keep your concerns private, where they only have the potential to create tension and hurt. In a similar vein, rather than immediately agreeing to requests just to keep things copacetic, try to pause before responding, “and give yourself time to ensure your ‘yes’ is valid and not forced,” Minaa previously wrote for Well+Good.
A common piece of relationship advice says to put yourself in the other person’s shoes whenever conflict strikes. But while it may help build empathy to picture yourself in a partner’s situation, that alone isn’t always a sufficient practice to get on the same wavelength—because what if you wouldn’t have felt or acted the same way in their shoes?
“What usually happens is, one partner shares something that upsets them, but it’s not something that would have upset the other partner, so it’s hard for the second person to find compassion, patience, or empathy for what the first person is experiencing,” relationship psychologist Abby Medcalf, PhD, previously told Well+Good. To avoid the resulting dead-end conversation (“But I just wouldn’t have responded that way”), Dr. Medcalf suggests focusing on the feeling that your partner is expressing, rather than the specific situation.
For example, if they communicate that they’re feeling stressed by a situation at work that wouldn’t have stressed you out (had you been in their shoes), consider, instead, a time when you did feel stressed by a different situation. This way, you’ll still be able to empathize with their stress and validate that feeling, regardless of how they got there.
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It’s time to let go of the old adage. Relationship therapist Genesis Games, LMHC, actually suggests going to bed upset and tabling a conversation for another time, rather than continuing to argue into the wee hours of the morning, sacrificing sleep to resolve something that you’re probably too exhausted to effectively resolve anyway.
“Trying to keep track of what your partner is saying and offer coherent responses [late at night] could lead you to just say ‘yes’ or agree to something in an effort to appease them or end the conversation,” Games previously told Well+Good. That just makes the argument more likely to surface again down the line. Whereas, if you just went to bed and set a mutually agreed-upon time (during the daytime) to finish the discussion, you’d get the win-win of a good night's sleep and a better chance at conflict resolution.
If you're feeling even the slightest bit insecure about your relationship, it might seem like a good idea—wise, even—to test or “check” your partner’s loyalty. For the uninitiated, the idea of a “loyalty check” blew up on TikTok this year when a few users suggested that anyone questioning the integrity of their relationship should ask a friend to slide into their partner’s DMs and flirt with them. If their partner promptly shut down the advance, they’d then have reassurance that their partner is, in fact, loyal to them.
The major problem with this is the manipulation it entails—which could lead even a person who “passes” the test to feel ashamed that their partner had to go to such lengths to "verify" their relationship, according to couples therapist Lee Phillips, LCSW, EdD. “[A loyalty check] can be toxic in a relationship because it can create a power struggle or rupture between two people where one partner can’t trust and the other one would like to be trusted,” he previously told Well Good.
You’d be much better off openly discussing any trust issues you might be having with your partner rather than going behind their back to prove or disprove them.
6. Use the “threshold” idea to avoid conflict over household chores
Everyday tasks can be the source of major conflict if your partner is messier or neater than you are. In that scenario, the neater partner is likely doing more of the chores, leading them to feel resentful of the messier partner—who will then only resent them back for requesting that they be neater. Rather than debate fruitlessly about the respective merits of messiness versus neatness, try focusing on the core reason why one person is messier than the other: Their threshold for mess is higher (meaning they can just withstand more mess before getting bothered by it).
According to communication expert Sarah Riforgiate, PhD, using this framework will remove accusations and value judgments from the conversation about household chores. For example, it’s not that your messy partner is a slob or is trying to ruin your life, but just that their threshold for mess is high and yours is low.
With that baseline in mind, you can ask questions of your partner (“Did you notice that there were crumbs on the counter after you left the kitchen last night?”) to better understand where their threshold for mess falls and to draw their attention to it. “When you go into the conversation trying to learn something, not prove something, it takes you both out of the power struggle that can otherwise lead to fights,” Dr. Medcalf previously told Well Good.
Many good relationships are built on a foundation of kindness. But to take a relationship from good to great often requires a certain level of tenderness, which trauma therapist Kobe Campbell, LCMHC, says is “gentle affection that's deeply personalized.”
Understanding what this kind of care might look like for your partner—whether it’s back rubs before bed or “good morning” texts or something else entirely—requires a certain kind of intimacy and vulnerability. And taking the time to get on that level with a partner is part of the reason why tenderness can be so beneficial. "We're all less anxious when we know our very specific needs will be met," Campbell previously told Well Good. "We feel even better when we know our needs will be exceeded by someone who is pleased to love us."
Tips For Finding The Right Therapist
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If you’re considering therapy — whether it’s to restore a relationship, recover from trauma, adjust to a new life phase, or improve your mental health — finding the right therapist is the first hurdle to cross.
Researchers have found that the bond between you and your therapist is likely to have a big impact on your growth. That’s why it’s important to do your research, ask questions, and pay attention to your own responses in your search for the therapist that’s right for you.
Here are some tried-and-true methods for finding a therapist to help you reach your therapeutic goals.
If you plan to pay for therapy through your insurance plan, your first step might be to look through your plan’s provider network.
It’s also a good idea to find out whether your plan limits the number of sessions you can attend each year and whether using an out-of-network therapist will affect your out-of-pocket costs.
Looking for ways to support your mental health and well-being? Try Healthline’s Find Care tool to connect with mental health professionals nearby or virtually so you can get the care you need.
A referral from a friend, colleague, or doctor you trust is another way to find a therapist who might be a good fit for you.
While a referral is a good place to start, it’s important to recognize that you may have different needs and goals with your therapy than the person giving you the recommendation.
So, a good match for one of you might not be as beneficial to the other.
A number of mental health organizations maintain up-to-date, searchable databases of licensed therapists.
Your search could start as simply as typing in your ZIP code to generate a list of counselors in your area. You may also be able to search for specialists, like marriage and family counselors or therapists who focus on drug and alcohol use.
Some of the most commonly used online search tools include:
Your community may also have resources to help you. If you’re a student, your school might provide access to a counseling center.
If you’re employed, your human resources team might offer a list of therapists available through a workplace wellness or employee assistance program.
If you need counseling related to domestic or sexual abuse, you might be able to find group or individual therapy through a local advocacy organization.
If you want your faith to inform your treatment, you might consider reaching out to your church, synagogue, mosque, or another worship center for a list of licensed therapists affiliated with your faith.
If you’re looking for a therapist to help with a specific mental health condition, you might find local therapists through a national association, network, or helpline.
Here are a few examples of organizations that offer search tools to help you find a specialized therapist near you:
If your job is a source of stress and anxiety, you might find local therapists through a professional organization.
Many of these organizations and trade unions have resources to help you identify professionals who can assist with mental health needs. For example, the International Association of Firefighters offers help with mental health, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and substance use.
What do you want to accomplish in therapy? Studies have found that when you and your therapist both work together toward the same goals, your outlook will be better.
If you think some type of medication may help with your symptoms, you’ll want to find a psychiatrist or practitioner who can prescribe medications.
If you’ve heard that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy have been effective for others with your condition, you’ll want to look for a therapist with certifications or specialized training in those treatment approaches.
If you want to be part of a supportive network of people who understand your experiences, you may want to consider looking for a therapist who’s involved with support groups or group therapy sessions.
Your goals may change as you work with a therapist. It’s OK to talk with your therapist about changing the direction of your treatment plan as your needs evolve.
Talk space and Better Help both offer tools to help you explore the kind of therapy you want. They can also match you with a licensed, accredited therapist you can work with online or via phone.
Some people find a digital therapy platform to be more convenient and more affordable than in-person therapy. Weekly sessions range from $35 to $80 for online therapy.
At least one study found that people with depression felt that their symptoms improved after online sessions. It’s worth noting, however, that two of the researchers involved with this study were consultants or employees of the digital therapy provider used.
When you meet your therapist, whether it’s online, on the phone, or in person, it’s not uncommon to completely forget every question you wanted to ask.
To make sure you have the information you need to make a good decision, keep paper and a pen, or a notes app, handy for a few days before your meeting. Jot down questions as they come to you.
The American Psychological Association suggests a few questions for you to consider asking your therapist during your first session:
The Anxiety and Depression Association of America adds questions like these:
Note: If you’ve ever been abused by someone in authority or affected by historic trauma or racism, you may want to ask questions that help you find out whether a potential therapist is culturally informed and sensitive to your experiences.
No matter how many professional accreditations your therapist has, your own feelings of trust and comfort should be your top priority. Will therapy be uncomfortable from time to time? Possibly. After all, you’ll likely be discussing difficult, personal topics.
But if you feel uncomfortable with your therapist for any other reason, it’s all right to look for someone else.
You don’t need a reason to switch therapists. It’s enough that you don’t feel comfortable.
Here are a few things to notice as you talk with your therapist:
Teletherapy, which is therapy done remotely over the phone or via videoconferencing, makes it easy to explore therapy and its options. It’s convenient, and studies have shown that therapy conducted over video chat can be just as effective as in-person therapy.
Here are some options.
Better HelpThis option has over 12,000 licensed professionals in its network, including psychologists, clinical social workers, and marriage and family therapists. Better Help therapists can help people with anxiety, depression, addiction, grief, and other issues.
Read our full review of BetterHelp here.
Get 20% off your first month with code “Healthline.”
With over 3,000 licensed therapists, Talk space offers options for people with a wide range of needs, from depression to PTSD. They offer counseling for individuals, couples, and teens.
Samwell
If you’re looking for physical and psychological health services, with doctor or therapist visits available 24/7, Samwell is a great user-friendly platform. Couples and individual therapy sessions are available for trauma, depression, life transitions, and more.
This is a great resource for teens ages 13 to 19 and caregivers. The therapists in Teen Counseling specialize in issues affecting teens, such as stress and eating disorders. The platform offers live chats, phone calls, videoconferencing, and messaging with licensed therapists.
This option offers safe and supportive mental health services for LGBTQ+ people. Pride Counseling matches you with a counselor who fits your therapy objectives and needs.
In the event that you meet with a therapist for the first time and decide that they’re not a good match for you, know that that’s completely fine. It’s totally normal and happens to many people who are looking for the right therapist for them. It can take some time to find someone that you feel completely comfortable with.
At the end of your first session, your therapist may want to schedule another appointment. If you know that you do not want to meet with them again, you can let them know that while you appreciate their time, you don’t think that it’s a good match at this time.
If you feel uncomfortable communicating this to them face-to-face, you can also text, call, or even email them to let them know you’re no longer interested in seeing them.
Regardless of how you choose to tell them, it’s important that you do inform them, instead of not showing up to your next appointment without an explanation. Many therapists have cancellation policies, so make sure you cancel at least 24 hours before your appointment to avoid a fee.
Therapists and psychiatrists aim to treat mental health conditions and improve emotional well-being. But there are key differences between the two professions.
Therapists are licensed mental health professionals, including psychologists, social workers, and counselors. They aim to help people manage their emotions, build healthier relationships, and understand themselves better.
Therapists use talk therapy and behavior modification techniques to help people make positive life changes. During therapy, they can assess, diagnose, and treat mental health conditions.
Therapy typically suits people who want to learn more about themselves and make long-lasting changes in their lives. It may also help people with mild mental health conditions.
Most therapists have a master’s degree and may have a doctorate. All licensed therapists have to have at least a master’s degree.
Generally, therapists can’t prescribe medications. But in some states, psychologists with specialist pharmacology training can prescribe certain medications.
Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in diagnosing and treating mental health conditions. Because they hold medical degrees, psychiatrists can prescribe medication.
Psychiatrists may use a combination of talk therapy and medication to treat mental health conditions.
Working with both a therapist and a psychiatrist may be the better option for people who experience more severe symptoms and may benefit from a combination of therapy and medication to help treat their symptoms.
Other types of mental health professionals How much does therapy cost?The cost of therapy can depend on the type of therapy, the therapist’s experience, and whether you’re talking with a therapist in person or through teletherapy.
Therapists may charge between $100 and $200 per session for in-person appointments. But in bigger cities, therapy can cost more. Some therapists may offer sliding scale rates. If you have insurance, you may pay a portion of the fee depending on your coverage.
Teletherapy is generally less costly. The price per session starts at around $50. Some platforms offer unlimited therapy with a weekly or monthly subscription.
There are many different types of therapy, and the type you choose will depend on your needs and preferences. Some common types include:
Therapy has several benefits, including improving mental health, resolving personal issues, and increasing self-awareness. Therapy can also help people learn new coping skills and manage stress.
Some people see therapy as a way to prevent mental health issues or as a way to address underlying causes of mental health conditions. Others use therapy to work through traumas or difficult life events.
Therapy is an effective treatment for many mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and eating disorders.
Whether you’re coping with grief, trauma, or relationship issues, or want treatment for a mental health condition, finding a helpful therapist can make a big difference in your journey.
To find a therapist who’s a good fit, start by considering practical matters like licensure, insurance coverage, location, and specialties.
You may find that friends, colleagues, and healthcare professionals are a good source of referrals. You may also find options by using search tools provided by organizations that address your specific concerns.
When you’ve narrowed down your choices, you may find it helpful to think about your goals and questions. This way you can be sure you and your therapist are well matched and aligned on your treatment plan.
Ultimately, finding the right therapist is a personal matter. Human connection is at the heart of effective therapy, and you can build that sense of connection whether you talk with your therapist in person, on the phone, or online. She'll Respond Instantly To THIS Magic Text Message readmorehttps://0db55nw6k8ttav5wpbvh38wggf.hop.clickbank.net/?cbpage=SS
The Sure-Fire Way To Improve Your Relationships
One of the most useful books you'll ever ready may be The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships, by Michael P. Nichols, a family and couples therapist who also teaches at William & Mary College.
His short list of guidelines sounds simple, but we all can use reminders:
Maybe you already think you’re a good or excellent listener. There are obvious ways we fail to pay attention
—by multi-tasking, waiting restlessly for our turn to speak, or simply tuning out—and many ways we fool ourselves that we’re good listeners.
Some people learn to do a great job of pretending to pay attention (think of the fixed glaze of a politician).
Self-conscious or anxious people often spend their listening time focused on what the other person thinks of them—but believe they’re good listeners because they want to be.
Others play therapist or advisor and make themselves the star with their wonderful helpfulness, including unrequested advice.
You might be quick with a joke that directs attention back to you.
Nichols has a simple rule: “When listening is genuine, the emphasis is on the speaker, not the listener,” he writes.
Real listening means embracing someone else’s need for attention. You hang in when you’re tempted to interrupt, mentally wander, judge, or solve the problem. You may be silent but never passive. It isn’t easy to do when people talk for more than a few minutes, especially if the relationship has become anxious or emotionally intense.
The pressure is real—because true listening is so valuable. People find great relief when they sense that they’ve been taken seriously. As Nichols puts it, “Being listened to spells the difference between feeling accepted and feeling isolated.”
Become comfortable with silences. People may need space to think about what has been said. They may also need space to notice any feelings that were triggered.
If you ask a question, be okay with a silence while the other person is preparing a response.
Make questions advance the conversation. Some questions shut people down. They might focus on an unimportant detail or seem designed to challenge, rather than prompt an answer.
For example, skip debates and quibbles about words. “But you said X.” Most of the time, misunderstandings occur because “something in the speaker’s message triggers hurt, anger, or impatience,” Nichols writes. We pick on other people’s words to prove them wrong or demonstrate that we’re not at fault ourselves. “When is an argument not an argument?" asks Nichols. "When you don’t argue back.”
If you’re confused, you may need to clear up the confusion early. But sometimes you just need to wait for the information to come without your interruption. It helps for you to ask questions that expand on what you feel might be an underlying, still unspoken issue.
Share your own experiences but don’t take over the conversation. Make sure the other person is finished before you take your turn.
Don’t stress about always saying the right thing. If you’re trying to be a better listener, you are on the right track. Perfection isn’t possible.
Make time. Sometimes you just don’t have the time to listen to a particular person at a particular time. Be honest about that and set up another time to talk—and keep your word.
Serious listening takes time, but it can also save you time. You’ll dramatically cut back on confusion and arguments if you hear what people mean, not just what they say.
The challenge is to resist giving in to your emotions, including impatience—and keep listening. You may think you already know what you’re going to hear, or have a definite agenda about how you want the conversation to go. You may be afraid of what you’ll hear. All those thoughts and emotions get in the way.
Most people won’t be interested in your point of view until they believe you’ve heard and appreciated theirs. If you’ve got a case to make, you might start by asking questions and show that you’ve listened by entering into the logic of their tale and extending their arguments: “I can see that would imply that…” For emotional subjects, naming an emotion, “It’s scary,” or phrases such as “I hear you,” actually do help—if you’re truthful.
“Be attentive. Be interested. Listen hard. Overcome the need to get credit for listening,” Nichols urges.
Sometimes the challenge is especially big. Some people are hard to listen to. They may dominate conversations with long stories or factual lectures, usually with unnecessary detail. Dramatic people may make you feel trapped in watching their performance. Some people talk obsessively about one subject and won’t let you change the topic. It’s also hard to listen to people who never tell you anything personal.
Recognize when you’re the one who is hard to listen to. I have a relative who I experience as an unbearable, long-winded bore. His take on me is that I talk too much. Apparently, our vastly different perception is the norm. “In 40 years of counseling couples, I’ve met very few people who don’t think they do an unequal share of listening in their relationships,” Nichols writes.
The effort of trying to be a better listener will help you see how speakers make that job harder—and may teach you by example. We are least tolerant of our own faults in others.
Maintaining relationships includes doing what you can to make them rewarding for you. When you can’t listen anymore, you’re probably not getting the kind of listening you need. Nichols suggests asking for what you want explicitly. You can say “I’m upset and I need to talk. Just listen, okay?” Say “I don’t want advice,” if that’s the case. Or you might say, “Will you give me some advice, even if I don’t end up following it?”
With someone who often interrupts you, defend yourself by saying, “What I was trying to say is…” If that person continues, stay calm and say, “I’m sorry but I can’t pay attention to your story because I wasn’t finished telling mine.”
When you make those kinds of requests, of course, you’re creating the expectation that you’ll reciprocate. You ask for respect because you will give it. As awkward as this sounds, you may save your relationship.
Sometimes listening performs magic. Although listening can feel hard in the moment, over time it makes relationships easier. As a reporter, I’ve experienced this over and over: People become funnier, more open, insightful, and creative under the light of good attention. Then, when you least expect it, they reciprocate.
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